everything i do it remind me about you

feeling * * * ---N

i though today wake up ..i will feel better...so i decided to when out for a walk..to east coast at the beach..maybe i just need a silent to think of all the things i did..it was relaxing calming .
i see the sadnest and the happiness and i glad i make it tru so far with him.

What ruin me the whole day is , i saw some one familar...and the next thing is ...i approach him and ask are u santino..HE replies me /..''No santino is my brother'' i m SEAN....his twin brother..
this is the second time ..and i think god is playing around or i shall say he is punishing me for what i did.

i cannot do anything...but to go home after that look at the four wall, and lay down..staring ..
and was trying not to think..

after that , i dont feel like going out..i m so afraid to see things that will remind me about him.\
Novi, came back with his bf...and again why at this kind of time ..her bf have to stay wit her..when i m feeling lonely. T T ...

Darling always ask me to move on, and dont think so much..i wonder do he cares about this anymore?i know it is not fair for him, But T T ..is he slowly forgetting me and wantin someone new to be in his life.

i know i cant be selfish..T T , if that day comes ..i m just goin to hide..and accept the fact that i m no longer in his heart.

BUT i dont want this to happen...T T ..i know whoever read this will hate me..thinking i m too much.
i m so worried...and i cannot stop tearing...T T

i misses him so much now..i couldnt see him, nor listen to his voice much..this is so suffering.
i wish i could hug him now..i wish.



ps: i dont want to move on alone, i will move on together with you.

defeated

feeling * * * * N

Sorry, yesterday i couldnt stand ...i m suppose to work..and be strong
my whole body is shiverring ...everything i do it remind me about you.
even my new colleagues name is Seah and is the exact pronounciation.
it so hard to call the name..and i have to work wit him.

god is punishing me, and i deserve to be punish.

i really want to move on and put on the smile ..but my smile drown.
it is ugly is it not the same..it is not me ...
i m like a ship sinking in the middle of the sea..and now it sink very deeply
becuase i love him so deeply.

dar ask me not to think..and i wan to listen to him not to think. But when i close my eyes telling myself hundred times i need to sleep i need to sleep..but i see him ..hurting and i start crying.

People i did my best. i really tried..

Diana you ask me to cry one minute , but when i start crying is so hard to stop.

i want to tell him i m sorry, but he wouldnt trust me anymore. I lost his trust .
i miss him very much i wan to hug him and tell him how much i love him. But now i couldnt ..
he wouldnt listen...anymore.

he do not need me anymore T T.. and i couldnt take it.

Yes faith bring us apart. but faith is still on my hand...and i dont want to loose it.. i will hold on it very tight..and i wont let it go..

Ps; he is the best man in the whole world.

it is the biggest test

feeling * * * N

i m hanging in here..being strong ..even though i cry..i tel myself..if darling see me cry..he will feel sad ..so no i m not crying..i m going to eat n work n eat n work..and tell him how beautiful is the world is...i m not dead yet..i will stil be guat lu..smiling laughing like a crazy girl and be who i m.

diana u r right, it is the last biggest test...if i n him can go through this...definitely it wont be the same but it will be something..i m telling my self to stop thinking but think positively...i dont want to force him like how i always force him..he is in pain ..T T and i cant stop feeling the pain too.

i dont wan to change him..he is who he is..
i know how tough it is now to climb this mountain...i need the strength..n i know i cant reach the mountain in one day..it is hard ..it might take years..and many more ups and down...and there will be more things i have to accept ..but i m not afraid ..i dont want to be defeated.

now i m going work,

and believe myself that i can do it.

ps: god please take care of him, he will do well in his exams.

You are right

feeling * * * * * negatif-

3 days feel like forever, i didnt manage to eat and sleep...my mom is truely disapointed at me ..cause she thinks i m very imature doing all this . i know i disapointed her..i wanted to put a show
but i couldnt ..i cant hide my tears..cause it run out automatically when i see anything
it reminds EVERYTHING..

i travel the world..i see beautiful things..but now i dont think i feel the same way...
i had the most beautiful thing and i lost it in one day..
i deserved, i was selfish and i hurt his heart again n again.

Do i love him? he is confuse...
he couldnt trust me anymore.

yes i m a untrustable person, i got influeunce easily..he know if this happen again..it will be again
and again....

and the next thing is he will suffer again n again..

now i dont wan to see him suffer..i feel suffering ....
cause i hurt him..not because he choose to gave up on me..
i hurt him badly..and i know every night and day..he will remind in my head.

you told me the reason on giving up this ...yes you are right...i was forgiven onece n then once again..and now u r tired..

dar i know ..hwo sad u feel in your heart..i feel so hurtful of finally knowing the truth how much i hurt him..again...

you told me i will be meeting more people ..so if i hurt u once it can be again.
i knwo darling ..i will see more people and let things go naturally and at the end of the day
let faith bring us apart.

.but i just pray hard everyday ..that you wont forget me ..


ps: please dont forget me please i beg you...

i.m sorry

oh i had alot to say,
was thinking my time away,
i missed you and thing werent same,

caused everything inside it never comes out right,
and when i see u cry it makes me wanna die

i m sorry i bad ,i m sorry i blue,
i ;m sorry that all the things i said to you,
and i know i cant take it back,
i loved how you kissed ,
i love all your sound,
and baby u make my world goes around,
and i m just wanna to say i'm sorry

this time i think i m to blame,
its harder to get tru the days,
you get older and blame turn to shame,


every single day, i think about how we came all this way,
the sleepless night and the tears you cry,is never too late to make it right
oh yeah i m sorry,

i m sorry babe, i m sorry =[




------------------------------------------------------

i know even if i m writing this in my blog there is no point of returning,
the begining i step out and move to a different world , i knew this would happen
but i never prepare ..cause i always think you will love me n be loyal to me.
time past ..we move on..we still share ...we still argue..and worst thing is
i never stop complaning...i never listen..i alawyas win...i never care..and
i break your heart...you were the only person who was there with me
for everything ..if i m sick..u be there at night ..talking to me..and tell me
babe dont worry just relax n u be fine..and when i m stress...u will cheer me..
you never know how to express your feeling..you never tell how much u love me
and i always think u dont love me much. i always force u to do the routine..and end up
scolding u..Why our love is such a routine?

you never gave up saying sorry , u always being tolerating..and i m the one asking for so many things..i m sorry.. you were there and now u are not..i m assure that life being wit u is not routine..is our love..I hate myself..for not listening to u.

and now u still forgive me and tell me we are still soul mates. and in future if there is faith we might still be together..when i hear all the words u said ..i couldnt stop crying n tearing that ...
u have finally gave up on me..but i m glad that i was not ignore..i couldnt ask for more now
but only hoping that i learn and you will be happy ...

i just want u to be happy now

i ask for too much!!
i deserve to be alone now...

sorry baby...i know u heard million times..and telling me things wont change.

sorry baby for not listening you
sorry baby for not tolerating wit u
sorry baby for not being there wit u
sorry baby for hurting you once n once n once again
sorry baby for forcing you
sorry baby for not appreciating you
sorry baby for being so selfish
sorry baby for being so ugly
sorry baby for what i hurt you
sorry baby for not holding on you
sorry baby for scolding you
sorry baby for ignoring you when i m angry
sorry baby ....
there is too much....to say...

i know u made your decision...i respect your decision
because i never listen..n now i must listen

i know is too late to apologize...

dar , you said we will go with the flow...and no matter how much things separate
if is meant to be ..we will be...

now no one will force u...no one will make u hurt.

even what i m saying now..u can never feel the same...

i know is time, i will let u see the world ..i will let u do what you want.

promise me dont forget me...

now i feel the pain like how u feel...sorry..i reall feel how it is now..

i let you go..but i believe and trust our destiny...

ps: god please take care of him..please make him happy and healthy

i'm sorry

Oh I had a lot to say was thinking on my time away I missed you and things weren't the same [Pre-Chorus:] Cause everything inside it never comes out right And when I see you cry it makes me want to die [Chorus:] I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue, I'm sorry about all the things I said to you And I know I can't take it back I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds, and baby the way you make my world go round And I just wanted to say I'm sorry: This time I think I'm to blame it's harder to get through the days You get older and blame turns to shame [Pre-Chorus] [Chorus] Every single day I think about how we came all this way The sleepless nights and the tears you cried it's never too late to make it right Oh yeah I'm sorry! [Chorus] I'm sorry baby, yeah , I'm sorry ps: i know you wont forgive me, and you will replace me

things had change

Feeling - * * * *

no matter how much i apologize,

it can never turn back as how is use to be,

all i can do is pray, that you be fine.

and we will just go with the flow.

Things that i can never denied is you are always there in my heart.

ps: i love you